Journal Of A Desperate Man – Entry #3

Apart from the usual 2 eight-ball baggies, half ounce of weed and 5 grams of speed, the thing I’m always most interested in, is the weekly mystery package. It’s the primary reason I buy from Silk. Apart from the exquisite packaging, he always includes a bag with a question mark printed on it.


The mystery bag.


This week it consisted of 6 pills. 2 light blue, 4, a kind of orangey colour.

I’m intrigued by the colours. I chuck the straw from the bloody Mary and down half of it. I can feel the burn of the tobasco. Over down, but needed. I feel it hit my sinus and clear the blockages.

Orange and blue, orange and blue…….. I slide open my bedside drawer and place the mirror on my lap. Still 2 lines. I do both.

Later that afternoon, I found myself clean and shaved, ready for an excursion. I say an excursion. More of a gentle stroll to the off license(cigarettes, gin, lager, Rizla, cheese balls), and a few pints of Guinness in my local. Dante’s Hole. I’d managed to achieve the clean up without any recollection. Fuck it! I’m ready now. I might as well?!?

A quick glance at the front door CCTV, peek out the peephole,…..then deadbolt, deadbolt, deadbolt, mortice, chain and I’m out.

Everything looked normal. Homely. Safe. I checked my pockets. Wallet, cigarettes, lighter, phone, cocaine? All in order. I headed south. Pub first. Supplies on the way back.

It only takes five minutes to walk to the hole. Pete, the landlord, peers up from his gin filled eyelids, and immediately started my Guinness. I walked straight through to the toilets and smoking area and used both. Only one for its proper purpose. I returned to the bar with a spring in my step and a numbing in my throat. Placed ten pounds on the bar and retrieved my pint.

I placed it to my lips and glanced around the bar.

The usual Wankers.

Horrible light and bitter drinkers. All in denial of their alcoholism. Sweating over their crosswords and shouting out for refills. I retreat to my usual spot and put my headphones in…….


I wasn’t always like this. I had a very different life once. It was all ambition and being in love. Doing what’s expected. I loved a girl. A lovely blonde thing, and I thought she loved me. Well, loved me just as much. It’s weird, that assumption, that someone feels the same as you. No one EVER feels the same as you. Maybe similar, but never exactly the same. Things fall apart. Nothing last forever. From the moment you are born or. an idea conceived, it begins to decay.

Rust never sleeps.

Also, you get the other side of it. Back then, I decided to invest in a little known, and crazy idea. One of the reasons, I think, that life shattered and fell apart. The love of my life couldn’t understand the £10,000 investment I had made. In her words, ” Now you’re worthless!”

The crazy investment was bitcoin. Last year, just when I thought I had nothing left. That investment almost made me a millionaire.  

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